Joke Thread

A nun was traveling to Chicago by air. She sat down at the gate waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw a weight machine that tells your weight and fortune. She thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in her quarter. Out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128lbs, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in another quarter. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb.,
you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.

" The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and began playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again.

" Back to the machine. She put in another quarter and the card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again.

" She went to the machine, put in a quarter, and collected the card. It said,” You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lb.,you have fiddled and farted around, and now you missed your plane to Chicago."
 
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.


"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.


"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary
Lou written on it," she replied.


"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.


"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."


Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet,


which knocked him out cold.


When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"


She replied, "Your horse called".
 
Jesse Jackson and Tragedy!

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to Words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who Lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 Children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. Jackson were Struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell the class why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
 
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheatd on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I pay the bills, and since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

"Dump him"! You're a New York Senator now; you don't need him anymore
 
A cute blond country chick went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?" The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
 
Silver Streak said:
Kind of like the guy applying for a job at the lumber yard, said he could tell the type of wood by the smell. The man was blind folded and the secretary was asked to bring wood in and hold it in front of him.

He named every board correct, so the boss asked his secretary to walk back in naked in front of him. The guy takes a sniff and ask to have the board turned over. He takes another sniff and says "You guys a funny, that's the bathroom door off a tuna boat!".
Click to expand...



:laughing:

Good one!
 
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the Sierra Club had a more "humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service.

The ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em"
 
Fart Football

The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score"

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says , "Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
 
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his
full beard.

"Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

Yes , there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him! to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers ........ ,

"There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
 
Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, ! Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at WalMart.
 
Silver Streak said:
Three dogs - a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office, when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So, why are you here?"

The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection," comes the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So, what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquires.

"Lethal injection," the dejected Lab replies.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and ask, "So, lethal injection for you, too, huh?"

The Doberman says, "No, no - I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Click to expand...

I wonder if I should tell that joke to my wife. NAH.
 
Silver Streak said:
The 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt
better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do
you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Click to expand...

It took me a second
 
[FONT=&quot]"Morris Schwartz is on his death bed, knows the end is near,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"So", he says to them:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]must have been such a hard working man to have[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The schmuck has a paper route!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game,
sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated
directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says
something to the President. Barack stares at the agent,
looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent,and shakes
his head.

The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from
the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the
fans will love it!"

So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll
numbers."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of
her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.

She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes
wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!"


Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks
what was wrong.

The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out
the first PITCH!!!"
 
Rooster

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes.” I’m sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the theatre."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered
Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn."
 
Jacob, age 92 and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The Pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety, the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
For Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use your store for our Bridal Registry."
 
A women stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law exclaimed.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? but you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
 
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux are bungee-jumping one day. Boudreaux says to Thibodeaux, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Thibodeaux thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Thibodeaux jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Boudreaux notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Boudreaux isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comesback up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Boudreaux misses him.

Thibodeaux falls again. And bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Boudreaux finally catches him and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?

Barely able to speak, Thibodeaux gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine.

It was the crowd, what the heck is a piñata?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top