Joke Thread

[FONT=&quot]There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious Christmas dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Sincerely, Edna
[/FONT]
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
 
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’ nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers:
V
V
V
"Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side-view......mirror"
 
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.


When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
 
Baby Girl

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment!
Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "You ain't my daddy .... and watch the 'spression on yo face."
 
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"Old joke but still funny"

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’ nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers:
V
V
V
"Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side-view......mirror"
 
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'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! ! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
 
Sounds fair to me!

An oldie but a goodie!
For all who love the way lawyers think… and the way the Irish think.​
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. Hethinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from Londonand is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decidesto prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License andregistration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that'sthe law. License and registration,please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me theticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out ofthe lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
 
Guy goes into the bar, chugs down about 8 drinks as fast as he can. Bartender said you sure drink fast, guy says Youd drink fast too if You had what I’ve got. Bartender asks what You got ? Guy says about seventy cents.

:D
 
B-Man said:
Guy goes into the bar, chugs down about 8 drinks as fast as he can. Bartender said you sure drink fast, guy says Youd drink fast too if You had what I’ve got. Bartender asks what You got ? Guy says about seventy cents.

:D
Click to expand...

Haha. I like that one.
 
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