Joke Thread

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations, this hatred, and this animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 
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The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

​
1. Become a billionaire
2. Met the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's ****
 
A while ago a supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.











Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant



Thunder and the smell of fresh rain.












When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing



And you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.









In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled



Steaks with onions.









When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle,



and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.









The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh



Baked bread and cookies.








I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.!!
 
A little boy comes down to breakfast Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him he gets no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow, goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.

"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
 
It was time for an elderly gentleman to be put into a nursing home, as his
grown children could no longer care for him.After a week, the children went
to visit their father at the nursing home. During the visit, the father
leaned to the right, and a nurse quickly came over and propped him up with a
pillow. A little while later, he leaned to the left, and again a nurse came
and propped him up with another pillow.

The man's children were amazed at how attentive the home seemed to be, and questioned their father on how he liked it there. He responded, "I've been treated well, but I've got to tell you....they sure don't want you to fart here.
 
A little long, but worth reading!

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

"Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working lone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found o be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.


You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.


This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry."
 
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A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his
drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
 
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Golfing Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?
 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in
the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
 
A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....
...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
 
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has
missed her period for two months. Very worried, the
mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with gray hair,
impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out
of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is
born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a
townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank
account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple
of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if
there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
him, "Then you try again."
 
The Blonde and the Snow Plow

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted... but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was
going over to K-mart next.
 
Daddy's car in the woods…

[FONT=&quot]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
Mummy fainted!
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT] [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
Buffalo Theory:
as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."
 
Dog Food Diet:
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my
dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a
dog...
(DUHHHH)
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO
and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on
with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that
it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load
your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the
line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind
her).

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had
poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, Oh NO!,
I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me and rolled me
for about two blocks.
 
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